Back in the Saddle again

Dating…it was problematic and frustrating in my twenties and now that I am in my forties with kids...the activity seems twice as daunting and doubly frustrating as it was before.  Let’s face it, under the best circumstances at my age anyone that is worth my time is already in a relationship/married, isn’t anywhere I can find him, and likely not someone I will find attractive.  I have had a fair number of folks recently assume that a woman my age who has two children with special needs is desperate and willing to date just about anyone...I am far from that.  My life doesn’t need to be defined by what a man can bring in my life; on the contrary, my life is defined by me and what/who I want in it.  My kids come first and after coming from where I came from before…I already know what I do not want and I am not about to settle.  The rules are strict and the standards are high; if a guy cannot meet them...well there are plenty of other fish in the sea that he is welcome to look for who might.  This is not a judgement on anyone else's life choices or preferences; I judge no one.  Life is hard and people want to find that special 'someone' and they want to be happy.  For me, my definition of happiness is just a little different; not better. 

Let's start with the comedy side of things

I decided that I was going to start dating after the divorce was finalized more as an introduction into the world again; I had just  came off of an almost eighteen year hiatus from this particular activity and I wanted to see what was 'new.'  Aside from the technological advances it's almost the same...well not quite because I am super rusty at it, but mostly the same.  The first really big problem that I have, is the misfortune of looking younger than I am (baby faces aren’t all they are cracked up to be).  Some say that I am lucky; however from my standpoint, looking like I am in my twenties is about the worst thing I could have possibly imagined.  Most fellows that seem to approach me are either in their twenties or in their sixties it is a rare thing when someone my own age sparks an interest.

First, let me start with the boys (and I am sorry if I am old enough to be your mother you are a boy)...due to my very young face and super short stature I have been asked out by very, very young men.  Nothing against these young bucks or people who date them, but I am just not all that into explaining that I actually do dress my age...Chuck Taylor Cons were invented before even I was born (I've been rockin' the Chucks for almost 30years now).  If they cannot get an 80's sitcom, movie, or music reference...we probably don't have anything to talk about.  And, to be honest...anything more than a four year age difference just makes me feel old.  Moving on...

Next,  there are the junior octogenarians (men just under the age of ancient and circling the drain on elderly) whose behavior when asking me out is just a little more than disturbing.  I mean I am not sure what seems to bother me more:  the fact that they think I am in my twenties OR the fact that they are old enough to be my father...probably it's both.  Their approach is usually slightly or even really creepy, but if one more old guy asks me if I want to ride his motorcycle or check some other high priced vehicle sparked by some mid-life crisis...I may have to duck and run for cover; screaming.  Ew.  Sorry old guys...I don't need a dad, I have one thanks.

My sons are the only people who matter to me…

Finally, the regular ol’ age appropriate guys that I have met in the last few months don't appear to enjoy following the rules.  I am open and up front about my kids and the rules that I follow when dating.  I have to be honest…typically most fellows tend to magically disappear when I tell them that I have two autistic sons in their teens... So they don’t really even make it to hear the rules.  But...there have been a small handful of brave souls who have managed to stick around.  They have been few for certain, however, I think they assumed that whole "she's desperate" thing because of my kids and worked feverishly to try to get me to break them along the way.   

So what are the rules? 

1.  No one…NO ONE meets my sons for a very long time and only after I decide that he is worth the effort and stress it might cause the them.  Period.  It isn’t even negotiable. Don’t even ask.
2.  I have criteria that must be met as far as what it is that I want in a man and if he cannot meet it (no matter how small the detail) I will not date him.  It is that simple.  
3. If a guy intends on dating me he needs to be prepared to move at something just less than a snail’s pace.  I have no intention of rushing head long into anything.
4. My kids have a dad and he is in their lives and always will be; deal with it.  We co-parent to make things work for the boys not for ourselves.
5. And last...refer to the previous rules.  I am not about to change them, they are there for a reason.

To put it simply, the rare few that have actually pursued anything past a first date inevitably have tried to bypass one of the rules and either end up frustrated and giving up OR me deciding that they just do not warrant my valuable time to invest in the situation.  As a single autism parent, I have a lot more at stake than just a potential for my heart to be broken...it is a potential for my sons to have theirs broken too.  This is likely the same for any child, the difference is that my sons in particular tend to hold onto that loss a little more profoundly than say a child that isn't on the spectrum.  How so?  Let's just say, my oldest son mourned the loss of an ice cream cone for three days...they do not always know how to process change well.  That is why I say "worth the effort and the stress that it might cause the boys"...I have to know if a person has got some "stick to it" in his demeanor.  I am not about to have tons of men gallivanting in and out of the kids' lives.  They just don't need it.  

So when I say, I am not desperate to meet a guy...I am not desparate.  I have much more at stake than me.  I have two very important and special boys in my life already that mean more to me than anything that any guy has to offer.  It doesn't mean I am not open to a future relationship it just means I am okay without one.