The year 2014 brought some drastic and huge changes into the lives of my sons and myself...and although I am a private person about my personal life outside the advocacy for my children; this new journey that we are on together is one that is all too common amongst those families with children or family members with autism. In January of this year after almost sixteen years of marriage, the relationship that me and the man to whom I was married to succumbed to the statistics that plague many. According to a study that I read some time ago, roughly many marriages that have children with special needs have a mortality rate of about 76-78%, while families with children on the Autism Spectrum ranges much higher with a specificity of 93-95% (roughly based on a data report from about two years ago that I happened upon during the research of a paper that I was writing).
At the time I read these numbers I had felt myself very lucky that we had managed to defeat the odds...and likely it was the reason that I felt myself ignoring so many issues that were occurring within the course of the marriage as I felt very grateful that we were still together. It is unfair to specifically lie the entire dissolution of the marriage on autism; but to be honest it played its part. The things that transpired were things that often plague a marriage, but the stress factors that include the children and their specific needs only added to an already hard situation. Let's face it, under the best of circumstances marriage is hard. For anyone that doesn't realize it takes work to bring two distinct and succinct personalities together under a single roof, isn't really being honest with themselves...however add the external pressures of having a single child with any sort of special need or health issue that weighs even heavier. It is only through the best of marriages that people seem to make it through stronger than they were before. Those marriages aren't better than those that fail, but instead I believe that they just had the right combination of personalities and circumstances that help them in their successes.
At any rate, in our particular situation, one parent embraced the autism and one parent didn't. What I mean by this is that we just weren't ever on the same page when it came to the children. I am not perfect and likely I had very little patience for what he was going through (what he was and is experiencing is completely typical). Most parents go through a mourning period and often cannot really accept what is happening with their autistic child; it is typical and there is a process most have to go through. It is how he dealt with his feelings. Me, on the other hand, I never went through it...I am not better or perfect, I just didn't react in a 'typical' way. I just found myself accepting them and the autism as it was and in a non-negative way. Accepting my child's disorder doesn't mean that if a cure were found tomorrow that I wouldn't be pushing every single other person out of the way to get to the front of the line...instead acceptance means that I don't get wrapped up about the things I cannot control and instead totally embrace things that I can...
As I said, there were many other things that had culminated during the marriage that contributed to the dissolution, but perhaps one of the most positive things that came from all of this is that the boys' father has a much more positive and loving relationship with them. Having time away from them has helped him to see them in a better way and they are all very happy when they are together. Even though the circumstances of the divorce and who-left-who is irrelevant, what is relevant is how we have chosen to work together to make sure that we can co-parent in a positive way that will only benefit our children. Divorce is hard on children without special needs, but for children on the spectrum change is something that they don't deal well with all the way around even in the smallest scope of detail.
Although it isn't the path I thought we would be on, I have chosen to accept those things that I can't change and focus on those things which I can. It isn't ever easy and some days I have to remind myself to take it a step at a time when the stairs are too steep and that nothing in life is ever for certain. Good or bad, this is my life and I love my sons so everything else doesn't matter so long as they get the things that they need.
I hope that maybe some of the things that I have to say will help someone else and that as I move forward with this blog that the tone will be one of hope, happiness, and about what it means to move forward as a parent of children with autism.
