Lessons still learned...

Although I have seen many cases of discrimination, ignorance, and negative behavior directed at me and my sons over the last decade-and-a-half, I am only recently a single autism parent (these last two years) and am now seeing a whole new side ignorance that I had been previously unaware of.  Just like anything else, I am taking this as a learning moment for me and potential educating moment for the rest of the world.  

Even if this particular incident happened on a date; I feel like the sentiments of the person who sat across from me are likely much more broad and often felt by more people than we may be aware of.  To preface this I am very, VERY open about my sons in every aspect of my life; I am not ashamed of them in any way.  I figure anyone that comes into my life whether they are a new friend or a potential romantic interest that they will know about my sons, my plight, and they will learn (if they are open to it) about autism.  In the interest of protecting my blog, me, and especially my sons I will refrain from using the individual’s name, whose particular behavior still mystifies me weeks later.  In this instance, this “man” (HEAVY air quotes) was made very aware of my sons and we had several discussions pursuant to meeting about my kids and what I write in my blog.  Mind you, he never asked for a link to read this blog (I did offer to share it with him to no avail), or even posed a single question about its contents, or my sons in any way, shape, or form.  He isn’t the first to reject a potential friendship/dating relationship with me; I have had a number of men who have just stopped talking/dating me once they found out about the boys, but this person was the first to actually initiate a conflict on a first “date” (I put quotes around the word date, because it was almost like a strategic attack).  I hate it when assumptions are made about anything, and I am not too proud to admit I made some of my own about him based on what I viewed his background.  I never live in regret, but choose to use each experience to educate myself…this is no exception.    

My sons are nearly seventeen and fourteen years old and over the last decade-and-a-half I have seen and experienced various kinds of ignorance in relation to their diagnoses.  With the growth in autism diagnoses and dozens of unfounded theories surrounding the ‘why’ of it all, it never ceases to surprise me just how many people have no real understanding or information about this spectrum disorder.  The subject is often heard these days in the news and there are lots of information surrounding the subject all over the web (when my sons were diagnosed there were just a little over two thousand and some change, now there are hundreds of thousands of them) and yet people seem to continue to be blissfully unaware about it still.  With this being said, I have learned a valuable lesson and a little more about life and people since I started dating again.  Truthfully, I gave up seriously dating anyone within months of the divorce.  I am a completely methodical, rational, realist who took one look at the statistics and averages of single autism parents having/maintaining successful relationships and how low it was (women tend to have lower success than men; the belief based in psychology is that women are typically more accepting and nurturing than men) and decided that the odds for any future relationship just weren’t in my favor.  I have never been a gambler, why start now?  Couple that with the realities of dating in one’s forties and adding the statistical realities that there are many, MANY more women than there are men living on this planet those realities of me finding a person that I will even really want in my life let alone my sons’ lives is like seeking a unicorn sitting at the end of a rainbow next to a pot-of-gold and leprechauns.  In other words, I am not holding my breath (I have sort of talked about this in a blog sometime back:  http://whereaminowhowdidigethere.blogspot.com/2015/01/back-in-saddle-again.html).

At any rate, once most men find out they seem to run for the hills silently, one walked out before the date even began, some have asked if I would be willing to give the boys up (it has happened twice now), and there have been a few idiots suggest that maybe I might be desperate (considering that my sons are autistic,  true story) enough to JUST sleep with them (giggling, yeah, that was never going to happen)…but this last guy wins the Big Ol’ Idiot Prize.  He actually met me for a first date, in a public place, and then proceeded to initiate an argument based on his own limited view of who he thought I was and what my sons were.  I want to share that I had made an assumption (I hate it when people ASSume things and yet here I was falling right into that trap) that because he was an educated guy (degrees, works a state job, and is a parent himself) that he just might eventually be a great friend to have (again…I gave up on actually finding the ‘one’ a long time ago…I am good with friend-zoning right off the bat).   I was completely, grossly, embarrassingly wrong; I am not beating myself up over it, but I am always honest no matter what even if it means swallowing some pride.  I don’t do regret and so I view this as a learning experience and now I understand that a man with a college degree, studying in a Master’s program, and working in a position that sometimes deals with people who have disabilities doesn’t mean that he is able to keep his mind open enough to accept anyone else’s point-of-view other than the one he has already formed.  In other words, I showed up and he had already made a rash assumption about me and about my sons before we ever really met face-to-face.  He had many opportunities before we set a date to read my blog, ask me questions, and most importantly just not meet with me AT all...and yet here we were.  There could only be one reason:  he wanted to confront me and educate me.

 

Within about five minutes of me taking my seat he started in by asking me the two main questions that I get asked all of the time:  Why do I think there are so many autism diagnoses and did I know that there is a  lot of proof that they are all likely snap diagnoses made to mask poor behavior in children?  I answered in kind with my usual pat answers that I didn’t really focus on the why at this point, because my sons were already on the spectrum AND that if he knew my sons he would know that they are definitely autistic.  I hadn’t hardly begun my response when he cut me off and started telling me I was irresponsible for not pursuing a cure, and that if I was any sort of advocate I would be pushing to ‘fix’ my kids instead of trying to get acceptance for them…that my sons shouldn’t be allowed in regular classrooms with ‘normal’ children. This carried on for a few minutes, and then the real reason suddenly leapt from his ignorant lips:  “The benchmark for my daughters in education since they were five years old is to be accepted into (unnamed ivy league school)…don’t you think that kids like yours would cause my daughters to have less success in their lives if they were forced to have distractions in their classroom.”

I have to say, that I tried on multiple occasions to express my point-of-view and he cut me off each time without actually listening to what I had to say.  A number of times the woman behind the bar where we met actually asked if everything was okay, at first I thought she was just doing her due diligence as a service person, but she expressed a more pointed concern when he left to the restroom about his aggressive attitude.  Some have asked and maybe you are all thinking the same thing, “Why did you stay?” 

At first, I almost got up and left.  I was in shock and in complete disbelief that this person actually wanted to meet me JUST to do this when he could have taken every opportunity to just let it go and not meet me at all…but a thought began to formulate in my mind while he was deposing me, “No, no I want to hear what this person has to say.  If this is what he feels, then likely this is running through other parents’ minds as well.”  He might be an unmitigated buffoon, but he was speaking what he felt were ‘truths’.  He was worried that my sons’ could potentially ruin the academic success and in turn future financial success of his daughters by possibly being in their classrooms.  Success, my definition of success is very different than his…not only should kids’ reach for academic success, but success in humanity.  Being a successful human being is far, far more important than going to an Ivy League school in my estimation.  Learning to work with and around those who are different from one another is what is called ‘diversity’ and if he would have taken any time at all to research education he would have discovered that his daughters might end up learning more from my sons than they would otherwise. 

In fact, many educators around the world have found that peer education not only builds the character of a student, but by teaching his or her peers in areas that said peers are weak in, the student teacher can actually gain a better comprehension of a subject and get better grades in school.  They also learn to work with people that they might not understand or like (not everyone can like everyone else; its life.  However we can learn to still work peacefully and successfully together if taught to do so).  Most would call that a ‘well-rounded’ student, but I think that this fellow would likely never be able to comprehend this.  No, I know that he wouldn’t at all, because he wouldn’t want to.  That was evident due to the fact that he kept cutting me off over and over again without really letting me finish my sentences.  I began to realize that sitting before me was a man that had his own series of special needs, and I began to pity him.  He is the much heard of and rarely actually seen in person:  'educated’ idiot.  He was a man, who was likely the face of so many others who wouldn’t have openly said what they were really feeling…he was/is a bigot.  Most of the time people just haven’t had the opportunity to learn about people with special needs, but in his case he is the worst kind of bigot…he had EVERY opportunity to educate himself and chose not to. 

Irony is never lost on me and as he kept telling me how ‘blanketed’ my eyes were because my kids were both autistic and that I was unable to see other people’s perspectives and then he said what was my cue to finally cut him off, say my piece, and then leave:  “You know what your biggest problem is?  You see with blanketed eyes.  You know how you said you wouldn’t date anyone with autistic kids?  That is sort of limiting yourself since no one is likely going to want to date you otherwise. You are blanketing your eyes to what could happen if you were more open to dating a man with kids like yours.” 

 Me:  “Why do you say that?”

Him:  “I know I am not the parent of any autistic kids, but I would think it would mean more support.”

I finally had had enough, “You know, you’re right, you aren’t the parent of autistic kids, otherwise you would never have said anything that you have said to me at all….”  I then proceeded at length (a likely novel’s worth) to tell him how he had no right to say anything about my dating life, what I have been through with my sons, or what I have done for them.  I then got up after that and left, blocking his number on my phone only after sending him a text saying:  “Thanks for inviting me, I learned something really valuable.”  You know what? I really did.

I know that many of you who don’t have kids on the spectrum (maybe even some who do) might be wondering as to why I wouldn’t date anyone with autistic children and I am quite honest about that:  I have two sons who are awesome, I wouldn’t trade for anything, and who I love with all of my heart.  However, they are a lot of work and even if the man I met didn’t see me as a potential ‘caretaker’ for all of our children the ratio of spectrum kids to parents would still be greater in their favor.   Meaning the level of support would be the same or possibly less if being left on one’s own with all children was necessitated.  All children’s care would suffer. 

 Currently, as it is, one of my sons tends to get more attention than the other depending on whoever has more needs on any given day.  They really should have one-to-one care all of the time, but since I am on my own and have limited support I just keep doing the very best that I can (people often suggest state programs, but that is a whole kettle of inadequate fish that I might address in another blog and isn’t worth the yearly four hour evaluation time per child, disruption to their routine to do it, and loss of a work day to waste my time on).  It isn’t fair at all, but these are the cards I have been dealt.  What kind of parent would I be if I even considered splitting my attention between more than the two I already have (1) and why choose to start a relationship/marriage off with the level of stress that having that many children with special needs in the same home(2)?  The statistics, as it is, on marriage mortality for families with a single child with special needs is very high (as I have shared in previous blogs), and I cannot imagine choosing that at all, it wouldn’t be healthy for anyone especially the children. 

Being a parent is the most important role anyone can ever take on and I take that role very seriously. That includes thinking through every possible scenario that could happen or occur while meeting new people that might come into my life and eventually into my sons’ lives.  Some of my friends who hope for the best for me always, think I over-think potential future relationships.  They are probably right, but what kind of mother would I be if I didn’t at least consider the needs of my sons first?  The reality is my sons are not like other ‘normal’ children and I won’t sacrifice them for some possible selfishness on my part.  In my estimation dragging a series of men in and out of my life wouldn’t be fair or helpful to children who thrive on routine.  I cannot realistically see any man being willing to only have a part-time relationship with me until I feel they are worth the sleepless nights and emotional outbursts that their presence could bring me, because no one will meet my kids for at least a year.  That is nonnegotiable.

With that being said, this may have been a date, but I know that there are those parents and educators out there that share his limited misconceptions about introducing children with special needs into mainstream classrooms.  He used the word ‘blanketed' many times throughout his chastisements and aggressive verbiage without acknowledging his own ‘blanketed’ views about things he didn’t understand or even know about.  Then again he didn’t really want to understand either.  After it was all said and done, I still walk away from this taking it as an educational moment for myself and hopefully for other people willing to actually read about this incident.  Because, the reality is if this has happened to me it has happened to others who might not feel confident to share about it.  The average Autism parent often feels isolative and avoids outside interactions due to the stigma and negative comments that each have faced from various people during their journeys with their special kids.  Whether anyone wants to acknowledge it, this is bigotry and we face it all of the time in different ways and from various people sometimes even from people we trust the most.   

I am by no means a perfect person, but I like to avoid snap judgments about people (my sons’ are judged often and I have learned that it isn’t fair).  Perhaps I should have walked out on him as soon as he started his rant, perhaps I should have cut him off sooner, perhaps I could have done all sorts of things to avoid this incident…but in the end I don’t regret it and I walk away from this with a knowledge that not only shouldn’t we judge people for the worst, but we certainly shouldn’t judge someone for the better based on what we ASSume about their appearances and background.  I will definitely be much more aware from now on. Better yet maybe someone who needs to read this to understand they aren’t alone in this kind of treatment OR maybe someone who doesn’t know anything about autism and autism parenting will gain a little compassion and understanding for those that live day in and day out loving these special and  amazing kids on the autism spectrum.  Life should be about becoming a better human being; it shouldn't be about prestige or money...ever.