Part 2: You know your child better than anyone else...

Don’t be afraid of teachers, school staff, or administrators; they are people too.

The journey with the school district in my area didn’t end with the Occupational Therapist who went awry and likely was a forewarning of the future struggles that were about to begin in a life that I know now was never going to be ordinary or boring.  How could it with such extraordinary children?  The world often is at war with all of the things that people cannot understand or that seems scary to them; autism is one of those things that seems scary to a lot of people and that is why it is often ignored or denied by some parents when they first start to see the signs of it in their child.  I want to preface once more that the incidents in this series are ones that likely do not happen as often or with such voracity, but they have happened to my family none-the-less and it is important to share it so that things like this stop happening in a Public Education system that was not designed for children on the spectrum.

The real troubles didn’t start happening until Seamus was out of the Early Intervention Preschool program and when we started the journey into the his kindergarten year (a decade ago now), it became clear that there was an antiquated idea of what special education was and that the parties that pushed this idea held onto a narrow point-of-view.  I can tell you that the person who seemed the most determined to create the most issues was the former psychologist/special education coordinator at the time  who use to say said things like this to me:   “If it was good thirty years ago; it is good now…I don’t know why people have to go in and complicate system that has worked so far.”  It did not matter that the past measures for most children with autism was usually immediate institutionalization that thirty years prior, or that the understanding of how to educate children with pervasive mental disorders had changed progressively since then (and was/is still progressively changing). 

My very presence irritated her and often when I made suggestions or pointed out the newest in educating autistic children I was often talked over and ignored.  What incensed me the most was that her apparent lack of any sort of respect for me as a mother or as a fellow educator.  I had worked for the school district some years back and that I had a background in special education, but she always looked at the youthfulness of my face and assumed that I wasn't intelligent or knowledgable.  Let’s throw all of that last bit aside.  Whether I was educated or not, that woman essentially worked for me as my taxes played a part in her paycheck and that being Seamus’ mother made me someone that deserved respect.  Time and time again this woman seemed determined to break me down.  I would later come to find out from some of the school's educators and other parents that she sort of liked to intimidate people into submission to get her way.   I look back on her efforts as a colossal waste of my child’s valuable time; we as parents in conjunction to educators should be working for the child and not what best suits us or our specific personal agendas.  If you went into the field of teaching or working with children thinking that you were going to have it easy…you got into the wrong job.  AND if you thought that your pride was more important than educating a child in the best way possible…again you chose the wrong job.

On one such occasion while in an IEP meeting alone with both of my sons (Aiden was about two years old at the time), they were discussing what the goals for Seamus were going to be when I stood up and took Aiden down from the back of a chair that he was climbing on.  I am the mother of two children on the spectrum and by being any mother it meant that multi-tasking is part of the gig.  Just then this woman turns to me as if I were a fidgety five year old who was not paying attention in class and says, “Were you listening to any of that Doni?”  The tone with which she spoke was that of complete disrespect and I turned to look at her and calmly replied, “First of all, you will address me as Mrs. McCullough when you are speaking to me.”  The look on her face was of complete shock that someone had actually stood up to her, “Secondly, I have been doing this mothering thing for quite some time now and am perfectly capable of doing more than one thing at a time.”

“Him climbing up on things isn’t going to hurt him; you need to be paying attention,” she said haughtily, “And I don’t see why I have to address you as Mrs. McCullough, you don’t have them call you that.”  She said the latter as she broadly gestured to the other people in the room.

My response, still calm, “I refuse to allow my child to be in any position where he might hurt himself regardless of what your opinion is AND they can call me Doni because I know they respect what I say.  If you aren’t going to treat me with the respect I deserve; I will command it.  I will not answer to you unless you call me Mrs. McCullough and I would appreciate it if you did not speak to me as a child.  Your degrees and title do not intimidate me.”

The other people in the room were stifling smiles and avoiding eye contact as she scanned the room, but did not say anything.  It was one of the small victories that I had as a parent and managed to get Seamus most of the things that he would need for that school year.  After the meeting the teacher gave me a high-five out of view of the psychologist (she would continue to be the biggest opposition that I would face while my children still attended public school and the most narrow minded person I have ever met) and said, “Oh my GOSH, I will deny it later but that was the greatest thing I have ever seen.  She is just so used to getting her way.  This just made my day.”

At the end of the day, you will always know your child better than anyone else.  Do not be afraid to have a voice and use it.  You are the best and only true advocate for your child while they navigate through the schools.  Educate yourselves as ammunition.  If you are unsure where to start you should be able to find resources for advocacy centers in your area that were built to help you or try to find a local support group where other parents that have been through the schools before can give you some insight as to what you need along the way. 

(this is the end of part 2 of the series:  You know your child better than anyone else…)

(this is the end of part 2 of the series:  You know your child better than anyone else…) .