The Journey of a thousand steps...across the street part 1

From the moment I made the decision to move from the small rural community that couldn't sufficiently support my sons and their education, I poured over places that made sense and what would work best for us as a family.  When I saw the little housing complex just within walking distance to the school I knew that this was the city and this was the spot.

We moved during the winter break and we had appointments set up to meet with the SpEd staff just after the first of the year.  As soon as I knew for certain what the plan was, just as we do as autism parents, I made the decision to start working with my sons to cross the busy road and make the trek to the school to create that repetition and pattern while there weren't as many cars, students, buses, and noises.

One of the cold winter mornings just as we had crossed the street, Seamus looked at me and in his usual thoughtful efforts and tone said, "I wanna walk."

I smiled and said back, "We are walking silly!"

To which he looked unamused at me and said, "No.  I want to walk."

Then it dawned on me, "You want to walk to school by yourself?"

He replied in his pat affirmation, "Yeah-yeah!"

I had a pang, I will admit it, I had a pang on panic about him walking to and from school.  It quelled as soon as my mind fell upon that moment so many years ago at one of the first IEP meetings and a staff member looked at me through her glare-filled lenses and proclaimed that I would be lucky if he wasn't institutionalized that I found myself once again determined to help him get what he wanted as well as deserved.

Later explained to him that what he would have to do and that we would have to make a goal if it's what he really wanted.  He did not falter on his desire and so I set out to make a PowerPoint social story as I have done hundreds of time before.

A social story is a series of images and step-by-step explanations of the process to whatever it is one is trying to convey.  They are tremendous tools for those who struggle to make connections and have aided us in many ways throughout our journey.

In this particular social story I began to map out the rules and basics that one would use to explain the idea of crossing the street and we began working through slowly so as to help insure he was grasping the process.  As with most of these social stories I had to add and expand on it as time went on so as not to overwhelm him and keep things as succinct as possible.

After our first meetings and I was able to get to know the fantastic staff, our goal became a little more exciting as we realized teacher was so on board and willing to work with Seamus!   The cohesive collaboration between staff and myself helped the progress move quickly and I could see that he was grasping the concepts well.  (Don't get me wrong the Mom side of me was totally terrified and likely slowed his progress somewhat).  But by the end of the school year he was completely comfortable with meeting everyone half-way and we agreed to start where we left off the following year.

As with many things in the autism world, it isn't the person with autism who is the issue, though, and a change in staffing would prove to be the worry I had feared it would be and even my stalwart son would feel worried that his desire to walk to and from school would not come to be.

(End part one)

The Parent, the advocate, and the guardian walk into a bar...

Once again we are on the downhill slope; the last lap is being run today until the next race starts…it’s the end of this journey before trekking out on yet another.  This is life, this is my life, and this is the life of an autism parent (or anyone with a child with special needs).  Just when I think I have crossed one barrier, jumped over one more hurdle, dodged one more bullet something else seems to pop up.  My mantra over a decade now has been, “Life was never going to be ordinary with extraordinary children…I am an autism mom,” has serviced me well.  I even wear shirts with the self-made quote on them; it has been my own personal “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…” as I have walked into IEP meetings, faced off with ignorant people (some even family), gotten through a divorce, and battled the day-to-day sleeplessness that has come with the job of autism parent.  Yet…here I sit today, a bundle of nerves as we wait until it is time to get ready to cross that next bridge to the newest in a long line of life events on the other side, and so here I am doing what I do to cope with that stress…I write about it.  So what is all of this pontificating and nervousness about? 

Well it is about the guardianship process which is part of the important stage of transitioning that must occur as our children reach adulthood.  Guardianship is something that every parent of a child with special needs should look into and consult a lawyer about.  The process varies state-to-state, but will help a parent determine what their options are for their child after he or she becomes an adult.  I am not going to lie, the process is invasive, it can be a lot on an already full plate, and it is absolutely necessary to ensure that our kids are taken care of, protected, and allowed the rights that they so justly deserve.  It is another hat we don along with the other two we already wear since diagnoses and in some cases birth.  Mainstream parents will never totally understand that when we (parents of children with special needs) wake up we are not just parents, but advocates…and as our precious wards turn 18 years old we also must become guardians.  I tell people often (and now) wear three hats:  parent, advocate, and guardian.   The differences are subtle, but anyone can wear the parent hat who cares and loves their children; the advocate fights and stands up for their children’s needs, and the guardian does all of the above within the constructs of the laws based on what their adult child is capable of as well as their medical and financial needs.

Why is following guardianship process even necessary? (and) Why is it different than what we do right now?  Guardianship ensures that our children into adulthood aren’t just taken care of, but are allowed the rights that they deserve under the laws of this country.  So many parents do not know or realize the importance of this process and how little rights we (the parents) have to help them without it; I am glad I had a basic understanding beforehand (not going to lie, I didn’t realize the extent of it though).  Since my delving into this I have since learned there are many parents who are left in the lurch and don’t petition for it.  It doesn’t happen often, but in some cases parents have lost their right to even see their kids because the state they live in takes over and the adult child becomes a ward of the state care system.  Once that happens it can take years to reclaim it and with the amount of stress we carry on a daily as parents it’s something that we really do not need in our lives.  Again, you have to call a lawyer that specializes in guardianship cases, set up a meeting and get the facts about what you need to do and what will be the most appropriate for your child (every child has a different set of needs and this will contribute to what kind of guardianship you will need to have in place).  It is different in every state and the requisites may vary, but along with visits from a Guardian ad litem and lawyers, a list of various and sundry tasks that have to be completed before the child is officially 18 and a court date that is set you will want to get things started as soon as possible.

For me personally, I thought I had started in plenty of time and likely would have, but of course…because this is life and how it works, nothing went smoothly.  There was none of the clockwork precision that I prefer and since Seamus isn’t my only child the needs of his sibling had to be taken into consideration.  Add in the ‘normal’ amount of school interactions and abnormal amount of them (we had a new teacher who hasn’t been on the ball if you will), illnesses, work, and other random occurrences…well, let’s just say I now realize exactly what I am made of and I have counted twenty new gray hairs on my crown that I have definitely earned by the sweat of my brow.  I am proud of myself and stress-managed nicely, years of self-compromises have taught the OCD perfectionist-self how to let go of the things I cannot control (it doesn’t mean I didn’t have moments, it just means that I didn’t fall to pieces when the hiccups happened).  I am grateful for my list-making and bow to my Smartphone as it has kept me on track when I am sure that I would have fallen off of it!  It has all lead me to this point with my son today where in a few hours we will stand in front of a judge and that I will be legally named his guardian.  Although my own personal anxiety is at an all-time high I understand that this is the easy part of this process, that it is standard for all parents of future adults of special needs, and that soon we can get back to our ‘normal’...well for at least three years until I have to do it all over again for Aiden, but I will be a little wiser this time and am a little more forewarned as to what will happen.  My lists are already made and I plan on meeting it head on like everything else. 

So here I sit, typing this blog out, looking into the future as I always do with the hope, the perseverance, and determination that I have always had from that very first IEP meeting and realizing just how far we have come…and even how much longer we have to go.  In my mind, I say to this future, “Bring it!!  I made it this far; I might as well ride it all the way until the end.”

Please feel free to email my blog or Facebook page for questions and I am available to all parents who need a support or a friend while they walk their journeys.  (coming soon blog:  The Longest Walk…Across the Street.)

Some of the things in my state that had to be done:  get an ID card, get a checking account, have references that would be able to speak of my parenting, look into state and federal resources, and find a lawyer who specializes in Guardianship Law. Please remember the process is different state-to-state; Washington is a pro-autonomy state which means they advocate and prefer that the individual with special needs have as much say as they are capable of having in their own lives.  I actually believe this is best as we will all die someday (speaking to the parents) and if we haven’t prepared our children as much as we possibly can we are doing them a grave disservice after we are gone.

What I did personally to help him and I prepare:  I wrote social stories, discussed daily with Seamus what this process entailed, and tried to keep his routine as much as possible while helping him to understand what this was all about.   

'Tis the Season

Every day since the tree has been up, my youngest son has walked over and turned the lights on, played Christmas music for about twenty minutes while watching the pretty lights all around the it.  His brother occasionally has walked over and adjusted ornaments that just do not seem right and he checks the other lights and decorations around the house to make sure they are operating correctly.  He has played an integral part in putting everything up and has for many years now.  I get a lot of satisfaction as I see their eyes light up when they see the tote full of jolly decor being dragged out of the closet.

It has been such a delight watching them engage and participate in Christmas these last three years, especially.  To be honest, since the divorce these last few Christmases have been sparse.  They have been humble and most importantly...they have been amazing examples of what Christmas is supposed to be about and my sons are who have truly shown me how to appreciate this concept.  

The first year I felt really guilty and sad that we couldn't do as much as we once had, but by the second year I realized just how little it takes to bring my sweet sons joy.  Their truest understanding of what makes Christmas...well, Christmas had nothing to do with things, but with feelings.  It has nothing to do with opening presents, but by opening their hearts.  

There is a huge misunderstanding about those on the spectrum that they lack empathy or do not feel the same things that everyone else feels.  The truth is, they likely not only feel as we do, but much more profoundly.  They even can sense our emotions emanating from us in ways we may never understand and the seeming apathy that they appear to have towards others is really an inability to articulate and communicate their emotions to the rest of the world.  However when they are able to, simply wonderful things happen.  I have seen it and I revel in it.  These last few years have shown it.  

Christmas is supposed to exude the most basic of all feelings:  Love and joy.  The songs we sing and the traditions we share are all based on those core feelings.  Although for most ASD children and adults, the holidays can have some harsh sensory effects for them, I have discovered that most of these discomforts can be helped just by teaching about the seasons, months, and the holidays that coincide together.  Preparation for those stressful times helps to abate those anxieties and even to work through the sensory issues that happen (essentially they can see it coming and brace for the storm so to speak).  I highly encourage parents to set up a calendar time and talk about it every day.  It really helped my sons.  

Now, both of my sons have embraced and love all the holidays.  They have definitely come a long way when dealing with those things that overwhelm them.  Most importantly though, they have taught me that less is indeed more especially during the holidays.  The onset of the first sparse Christmas  showed me this.  It showed me exactly how special it was to truly enjoy and embrace those things that actually matter:  Time, effort, and love. 

Our celebrations have been magical, they have been sweet,

and they have been full of so much love that I don't think I want it any other way.  Although, this year Christmas has been their Dad's turn with them, we are spending the break from school having adventures, having fun, keeping our life skills schedule, and the morning routine of enjoying the simplest and sweetest things like turning the lights on the little tree and listening to the carols that we have listened to for so many years.  We are enjoying and sharing the intended spirit of the season; we are sharing those feelings.  

To me, these are the greatest gifts and the best parts of my life with my sons.  To me this is what Christmas is supposed to be.  I am humbled and thankful for the joy that they bring with them.

So from the three of us to all of you we want to wish you a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, and all of those special and amazing holidays shared at this time of year; and is my wish that we all carry the spirit of the season to hold us through the new year.   

The Seeming Elusive Inclusiveness

Throughout history the special needs communities of the world have faced their challenges to reach acceptance and inclusiveness for hundreds of years.  It has been only through the growth of understanding and knowledge over the last forty years though the rate of this acceptance as psychologists and physicians manage to unlock various myths about what these special individuals are capable of.  While the world waited though, many throughout the course of the decades found their homes in some of the worst living conditions that have ever been seen.  Institutionalizing for years was usually the recommended course and most families without knowing any better sent their children off to live in sub par conditions into adulthood if they lived that long.  It was only in the mid-80's and early 90's where we begin to see a deinstitutionalization happen across the United States, (CIRRIE, 2016).  Even when my son was diagnosed at age three, I had a few educators with their archaic mentality who actually used the word 'institution' to me.  One person specifically told me that my son would not ever talk, be potty-trained, or function in public and that the 'best' case scenario would that he would not have to be institutionalized.  I could not even believe it and of course it didn't happen as in the next few years the prevalence of diagnoses grew and my other son was also diagnosed on the lower end of the spectrum (which was based on speech back then; however, since then the standards for that have changed in so many years).  

Even with the reality of what people on the spectrum are capable of and the advancements in interventions and treatments to aid our special sons and daughters to find a more functional role in the world there is still a stigma and a lack of general acceptance by mainstream society.  Autism parents are still working hard to gain this acceptance for our children and even ourselves as our parenting is often called into question by uneducated people who do not understand that our 'normal' looking children are in fact autistic.  This struggle has been hard on many of us, but where it really hurts us the most is when this lack of acceptance and inclusiveness eludes us even among our own ranks; there is even judgement from other autism parents towards each other.  How on earth can we ask for acceptance from everyone with typical developing children if we cannot even accept each other and our own children?  

I speak to dozens of parents, mostly mothers, on a regular basis because of the blog and my openness about the subject of autism, advocacy, and education.  It has become a greater and greater trend that many fear the judgment and comments from other autism parents more than from the rest of the world these days.  I am seeing a lot of blame, questioning, speculating, and severe cases of shaming occurring.  Why?  Because there are those so passionate about their child's successes, their own theories, and their beliefs that they become overtly aggressive when other parents do not accept or participate in this.  One woman I spoke to recently told me, "I used to be on an autism parenting FB page but I stopped because I found that there was enough judgement & negativity to make me feel uncomfortable." this isn't the first time I have heard of this and yet we as a community are asking the rest of the world to accept our lives and our children while we cannot accept ourselves? I am baffled by this logic or lack of it really. How can we possibly expect from others what we cannot accept those among ourselves?

As our discussion continued she then said, "I think it's the area that I am the most vulnerable so I just can't stand subjecting myself or my son to the judgement. I've never cried for myself like I have for my children but when I experienced being judged because of my children's experience...it hurt." I was hurt with her as we continued our messaging to one another; I have felt that pain that not only my parenting is being called into question, but that my sons are too. It isn't a good feeling at all, but I am a really strong personality in that I take that hurt and I decide to do something about it. After our conversation, I couldn't get her words off of my mind and as the days went by I knew that something needs to be said. I am not afraid to say it, whatever judgment comes, I am not afraid to say what needs to be said. So I am calling each of us out as autism parents.

Here is the thing: THERE IS NO ACTUAL SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN CURE. Period. There is no definitive cause and there is no wrong way to parent our kids unless it is just plain old neglect and it wouldn't matter if the child was autistic or not because that parent would have likely neglected a typical developing child just the same. We are all doing our best and the fact is anyone who is openly bullying another autism parent or judging them, because they (who knows their own child best by the way) aren't following your parenting path with your child is wrong. It is that simple. Any behavior that is not supportive is wrong. We face so much discrimination, judgment, and harsh treatment in the mainstream world that we do not need it nor we should not be getting from each other. I believe in one hundred percent support and specifically make sure I tell each parent I talk to the same thing: I support you; I know you are doing your best and you are really doing an amazing job and I am here for you. An autism mom friend of mine said to me once, "We may not agree on the same things, but we love our kids just the same." It is the truth, we all love our children the exact same and we are all advocating as our parenting instincts and knowledge of our own children tells us to.

We cannot expect the rest of the world to accept our children and us as parents if even we cannot do it for ourselves. The common ties that bind us are love for our children and doing the very best that we can in a difficult and sometime seemingly impossible set of circumstances and I would implore you all to just give each of us a break. We have much bigger fish to fry as we work ahead to help make our children included and accepted by the rest of the world.

Mondays, horns, and a crosswalk

With each stage of each part of any journey there will be times of doubt, there are moments of fear, and there are sometimes just bad days.  We all have them and one bad day a month is the 'usual' for most people, but then they shake it off and move on.  The same should be allowed for students with special needs, and I am finding that that is apparently the exception to the rule especially when it involves tasks that fall outside of the 'expectations' box that mainstream individuals are comfortable with.  Simple things that are taken for granted every single day by mainstreamers are often monumental achievements for those of us and our ASD children or really any child with a special need.  We fight often for those rights and are questioned to an extent that other parents with typically developing children wouldn't be.

This last school year and this current one my oldest son and I have been working diligently on how to cross streets safely.  Its been a painstaking journey of fear, excitement, and worry by both of us as my seventeen year old son has braved through his own anxiety, coupled with sensory issues and a general fear of change (we all have it, but perhaps not to the relative degree that those on the spectrum have). Add in the other roadblocks (some human) that have come from the external sources that have impeded this process, my son as pushed ahead in spite of everything else.  His desire has been greater than his obstacles.  I stand in awe of him (both of my ASD sons, really) most days and am proud.  That doesn't mean that from time-to-time there aren't little hiccups along the way.  One such hiccup occurred for the second time in the last three months.  It has caused me a moment of pause for sure as I work through how to help him deal with the discourtesy of human beings.

Human beings, by far are the most complex and ridiculous things that ever were and yet by all counts mostly decent with a smattering of indecent sorts speckled throughout.  Their biggest downfalls include judgmental behavior, impatience, fallibility, and...ignorance.  Ignorance by all definitions boils down to being uneducated.  Knowing of something or someone is not being educated about it or that person.  Knowing comes from taking the time to really understand through book learning and being interested in how that subject, group, or individual works.  This is how I see much of our world these days and while I live within constant reminder of it through my children, I have seen in it many other ways throughout my lifetime.

On two separate occasions someone stopped in his/her vehicle and honked while Seamus was in the crosswalk (once at him and once while he was in the general vicinity), both times he had gotten his feelings hurt, but it gave him a sensory moment start.  The second time he was coming back after a hefty illness and on a Monday (who likes Mondays anyways?).  Just as he had made it to the other side of the crosswalk and was stepping safely onto the curb a car honked at some of his peers just behind him.  I watched him jump at the noise and then cover his ears while dropping his head down. I could see from his posture that he was struggling a little bit.  I proceeded to inform his teacher so that he would be aware of what had occurred and got several emails back in return about how bad his day was, because of it (mind you the horn was one of three in a sequence of events that can make anyone's Monday a bad one, but it became all about one incident).

That afternoon someone engaged in a discussion with me about this incident and he said, "...well you know he is going to have to get used to it..." that comment stuck with me and I was really bothered by it.  To a degree, I suppose, because he has to get used to the fact that people are insensitive, rude, pushy, and also (after some information was given to me) engaging in illegal behavior?  (Apparently, people are not supposed to honk at people in a crosswalk in our state.)  I have been working with Seamus on understanding that people are not mad at him when they do this, but even so...how many typically developing or 'normal' kids don't like being honked at and potentially this could already be an added moment in a series, and... have a 'bad day'?  How often are they comforted by instructors and parents by saying, "Don't worry it will be alright, it is just a bad day.  There is a brand new one tomorrow," and its left at that?  I know as a parent I do this for my sons, and I hope that they hear it at school as well.

It was not until the next day that I realized just how much my son had taken in what I had said about 'bad' days, when that same child with the bad day sprinted ahead of his little brother and I.  He had managed to get all the way across and was almost to the corner of the building closest to his classroom before we even got to the end of the driveway (I usually try to observe from a distance his crossing to help him learn or discuss mistakes later).  The child who had struggled, woke up the very next day, shrugged off the 'bad' and crossed anyways without a hitch.  On this day his triumphant crossing was a huge 'in your face' to that individual who had decided to offer an ignorant perspective without really thinking about it, but...then again that person was probably just having a bad Monday and everyone is allowed to have one of those every so often without having to be told that he needs to change who he is or that he is wrong about how he feels when someone hurts his feelings.  

My son shaking that bad Monday off is what the power of the human spirit is.  It is about shaking off the dirt from that hole that we fall into sometimes.  We shake it off, climb out, and are better people than we were before.  Human beings have many faults and problems, but we don't give up.  We keep getting up the next day and crossing that street bravely in the face of those who have questioned us or doubted us.  My kids constantly teach me so many valuable things about life and people by just being exactly who they are.  I hope that others take a little something from this and learn as well.  One thing is for sure, I hope that my son doesn't have to get used to people being insensitive, rude, unpleasant, impatient, etc.  I hope as I always hope that people just work a little harder to be better human beings than they were the day before.

 

Who's this Johnny on the spot, anyways?

It's November!!  What?  What the heck?  I am so lost...the months slipped me by and I haven't written all that I wanted to write or shared with all of the families as I had wanted to share, but for all of the autism families out there...this IS what it is like.  This is what it means to be an autism parent...anything we try to get done seems to allude us on a daily basis.  Sometimes the bare minimum is all we can dare to muster.  For a long time I used to beat myself up over this or feel like I wasn't quite making the grade, but after fourteen years as an autism parent I have learned that I am.  I am doing so much more than I ever realized and that comparing my life with the lives of other parents whose children follow the recognized 'norm' was unfair to me.  

The reality is that it's hard.  It's hard to spend over a decade sleepless and exhausted with limited physical help...with a single child on the spectrum.  I have two.  I realized that I had to give myself a break and accept that I was doing as much as anyone else could given the circumstances.  This doesn't mean we as parents with children on the spectrum need anyone else's sympathy.  It really doesn't.  

It means exactly what I said it means:  autism parents...give yourself a break!  You are doing amazing and above all else, forget about what everyone else is doing because that's their lives.  This is our life and we just need to live it the best way we can.  So on those days you think you should be doing more?  I bet you anything that you are doing as much as you possibly can.  

I realize that not everyone will understand this and most will be the closest people to us.  They don't mean to, but they just have no clue.  They have no way to.  They aren't autism parents.  They are what I affectionately refer to as mainstreamers.  They are people whose children fall within the 'norm' for development, most have no significant issues with speech or sensory processing, and many of their kids finally sleep after they reach three years old all of the way through the night.  They will never know the worry of their child waking and leaving their home in the middle of the night because it's what they do:  wander/run.  They will never know the looks that people give or snide comments from strangers about their children, they can likely communicate with their child (for those of us with children who have speech issues).  And above all else, their child will be accepted by the rest of the world in ways that ours may never be.  Yet we manage to make it through our days doing what so many would deem impossible.  

So if you're like me at all and feel like things just keep slipping you by?  Let them slip, don't forget about them...but just let them slip if you need to.  They will get done eventually and likely better than if you would have been Johnny on the spot about it anyways.  

And as for me?  I will be meeting with families soon enough.  Just watch and wait.  There are three in the queue as I write this and one update on the first family I ever wrote about.  

Lessons still learned...

Although I have seen many cases of discrimination, ignorance, and negative behavior directed at me and my sons over the last decade-and-a-half, I am only recently a single autism parent (these last two years) and am now seeing a whole new side ignorance that I had been previously unaware of.  Just like anything else, I am taking this as a learning moment for me and potential educating moment for the rest of the world.  

Even if this particular incident happened on a date; I feel like the sentiments of the person who sat across from me are likely much more broad and often felt by more people than we may be aware of.  To preface this I am very, VERY open about my sons in every aspect of my life; I am not ashamed of them in any way.  I figure anyone that comes into my life whether they are a new friend or a potential romantic interest that they will know about my sons, my plight, and they will learn (if they are open to it) about autism.  In the interest of protecting my blog, me, and especially my sons I will refrain from using the individual’s name, whose particular behavior still mystifies me weeks later.  In this instance, this “man” (HEAVY air quotes) was made very aware of my sons and we had several discussions pursuant to meeting about my kids and what I write in my blog.  Mind you, he never asked for a link to read this blog (I did offer to share it with him to no avail), or even posed a single question about its contents, or my sons in any way, shape, or form.  He isn’t the first to reject a potential friendship/dating relationship with me; I have had a number of men who have just stopped talking/dating me once they found out about the boys, but this person was the first to actually initiate a conflict on a first “date” (I put quotes around the word date, because it was almost like a strategic attack).  I hate it when assumptions are made about anything, and I am not too proud to admit I made some of my own about him based on what I viewed his background.  I never live in regret, but choose to use each experience to educate myself…this is no exception.    

My sons are nearly seventeen and fourteen years old and over the last decade-and-a-half I have seen and experienced various kinds of ignorance in relation to their diagnoses.  With the growth in autism diagnoses and dozens of unfounded theories surrounding the ‘why’ of it all, it never ceases to surprise me just how many people have no real understanding or information about this spectrum disorder.  The subject is often heard these days in the news and there are lots of information surrounding the subject all over the web (when my sons were diagnosed there were just a little over two thousand and some change, now there are hundreds of thousands of them) and yet people seem to continue to be blissfully unaware about it still.  With this being said, I have learned a valuable lesson and a little more about life and people since I started dating again.  Truthfully, I gave up seriously dating anyone within months of the divorce.  I am a completely methodical, rational, realist who took one look at the statistics and averages of single autism parents having/maintaining successful relationships and how low it was (women tend to have lower success than men; the belief based in psychology is that women are typically more accepting and nurturing than men) and decided that the odds for any future relationship just weren’t in my favor.  I have never been a gambler, why start now?  Couple that with the realities of dating in one’s forties and adding the statistical realities that there are many, MANY more women than there are men living on this planet those realities of me finding a person that I will even really want in my life let alone my sons’ lives is like seeking a unicorn sitting at the end of a rainbow next to a pot-of-gold and leprechauns.  In other words, I am not holding my breath (I have sort of talked about this in a blog sometime back:  http://whereaminowhowdidigethere.blogspot.com/2015/01/back-in-saddle-again.html).

At any rate, once most men find out they seem to run for the hills silently, one walked out before the date even began, some have asked if I would be willing to give the boys up (it has happened twice now), and there have been a few idiots suggest that maybe I might be desperate (considering that my sons are autistic,  true story) enough to JUST sleep with them (giggling, yeah, that was never going to happen)…but this last guy wins the Big Ol’ Idiot Prize.  He actually met me for a first date, in a public place, and then proceeded to initiate an argument based on his own limited view of who he thought I was and what my sons were.  I want to share that I had made an assumption (I hate it when people ASSume things and yet here I was falling right into that trap) that because he was an educated guy (degrees, works a state job, and is a parent himself) that he just might eventually be a great friend to have (again…I gave up on actually finding the ‘one’ a long time ago…I am good with friend-zoning right off the bat).   I was completely, grossly, embarrassingly wrong; I am not beating myself up over it, but I am always honest no matter what even if it means swallowing some pride.  I don’t do regret and so I view this as a learning experience and now I understand that a man with a college degree, studying in a Master’s program, and working in a position that sometimes deals with people who have disabilities doesn’t mean that he is able to keep his mind open enough to accept anyone else’s point-of-view other than the one he has already formed.  In other words, I showed up and he had already made a rash assumption about me and about my sons before we ever really met face-to-face.  He had many opportunities before we set a date to read my blog, ask me questions, and most importantly just not meet with me AT all...and yet here we were.  There could only be one reason:  he wanted to confront me and educate me.

 

Within about five minutes of me taking my seat he started in by asking me the two main questions that I get asked all of the time:  Why do I think there are so many autism diagnoses and did I know that there is a  lot of proof that they are all likely snap diagnoses made to mask poor behavior in children?  I answered in kind with my usual pat answers that I didn’t really focus on the why at this point, because my sons were already on the spectrum AND that if he knew my sons he would know that they are definitely autistic.  I hadn’t hardly begun my response when he cut me off and started telling me I was irresponsible for not pursuing a cure, and that if I was any sort of advocate I would be pushing to ‘fix’ my kids instead of trying to get acceptance for them…that my sons shouldn’t be allowed in regular classrooms with ‘normal’ children. This carried on for a few minutes, and then the real reason suddenly leapt from his ignorant lips:  “The benchmark for my daughters in education since they were five years old is to be accepted into (unnamed ivy league school)…don’t you think that kids like yours would cause my daughters to have less success in their lives if they were forced to have distractions in their classroom.”

I have to say, that I tried on multiple occasions to express my point-of-view and he cut me off each time without actually listening to what I had to say.  A number of times the woman behind the bar where we met actually asked if everything was okay, at first I thought she was just doing her due diligence as a service person, but she expressed a more pointed concern when he left to the restroom about his aggressive attitude.  Some have asked and maybe you are all thinking the same thing, “Why did you stay?” 

At first, I almost got up and left.  I was in shock and in complete disbelief that this person actually wanted to meet me JUST to do this when he could have taken every opportunity to just let it go and not meet me at all…but a thought began to formulate in my mind while he was deposing me, “No, no I want to hear what this person has to say.  If this is what he feels, then likely this is running through other parents’ minds as well.”  He might be an unmitigated buffoon, but he was speaking what he felt were ‘truths’.  He was worried that my sons’ could potentially ruin the academic success and in turn future financial success of his daughters by possibly being in their classrooms.  Success, my definition of success is very different than his…not only should kids’ reach for academic success, but success in humanity.  Being a successful human being is far, far more important than going to an Ivy League school in my estimation.  Learning to work with and around those who are different from one another is what is called ‘diversity’ and if he would have taken any time at all to research education he would have discovered that his daughters might end up learning more from my sons than they would otherwise. 

In fact, many educators around the world have found that peer education not only builds the character of a student, but by teaching his or her peers in areas that said peers are weak in, the student teacher can actually gain a better comprehension of a subject and get better grades in school.  They also learn to work with people that they might not understand or like (not everyone can like everyone else; its life.  However we can learn to still work peacefully and successfully together if taught to do so).  Most would call that a ‘well-rounded’ student, but I think that this fellow would likely never be able to comprehend this.  No, I know that he wouldn’t at all, because he wouldn’t want to.  That was evident due to the fact that he kept cutting me off over and over again without really letting me finish my sentences.  I began to realize that sitting before me was a man that had his own series of special needs, and I began to pity him.  He is the much heard of and rarely actually seen in person:  'educated’ idiot.  He was a man, who was likely the face of so many others who wouldn’t have openly said what they were really feeling…he was/is a bigot.  Most of the time people just haven’t had the opportunity to learn about people with special needs, but in his case he is the worst kind of bigot…he had EVERY opportunity to educate himself and chose not to. 

Irony is never lost on me and as he kept telling me how ‘blanketed’ my eyes were because my kids were both autistic and that I was unable to see other people’s perspectives and then he said what was my cue to finally cut him off, say my piece, and then leave:  “You know what your biggest problem is?  You see with blanketed eyes.  You know how you said you wouldn’t date anyone with autistic kids?  That is sort of limiting yourself since no one is likely going to want to date you otherwise. You are blanketing your eyes to what could happen if you were more open to dating a man with kids like yours.” 

 Me:  “Why do you say that?”

Him:  “I know I am not the parent of any autistic kids, but I would think it would mean more support.”

I finally had had enough, “You know, you’re right, you aren’t the parent of autistic kids, otherwise you would never have said anything that you have said to me at all….”  I then proceeded at length (a likely novel’s worth) to tell him how he had no right to say anything about my dating life, what I have been through with my sons, or what I have done for them.  I then got up after that and left, blocking his number on my phone only after sending him a text saying:  “Thanks for inviting me, I learned something really valuable.”  You know what? I really did.

I know that many of you who don’t have kids on the spectrum (maybe even some who do) might be wondering as to why I wouldn’t date anyone with autistic children and I am quite honest about that:  I have two sons who are awesome, I wouldn’t trade for anything, and who I love with all of my heart.  However, they are a lot of work and even if the man I met didn’t see me as a potential ‘caretaker’ for all of our children the ratio of spectrum kids to parents would still be greater in their favor.   Meaning the level of support would be the same or possibly less if being left on one’s own with all children was necessitated.  All children’s care would suffer. 

 Currently, as it is, one of my sons tends to get more attention than the other depending on whoever has more needs on any given day.  They really should have one-to-one care all of the time, but since I am on my own and have limited support I just keep doing the very best that I can (people often suggest state programs, but that is a whole kettle of inadequate fish that I might address in another blog and isn’t worth the yearly four hour evaluation time per child, disruption to their routine to do it, and loss of a work day to waste my time on).  It isn’t fair at all, but these are the cards I have been dealt.  What kind of parent would I be if I even considered splitting my attention between more than the two I already have (1) and why choose to start a relationship/marriage off with the level of stress that having that many children with special needs in the same home(2)?  The statistics, as it is, on marriage mortality for families with a single child with special needs is very high (as I have shared in previous blogs), and I cannot imagine choosing that at all, it wouldn’t be healthy for anyone especially the children. 

Being a parent is the most important role anyone can ever take on and I take that role very seriously. That includes thinking through every possible scenario that could happen or occur while meeting new people that might come into my life and eventually into my sons’ lives.  Some of my friends who hope for the best for me always, think I over-think potential future relationships.  They are probably right, but what kind of mother would I be if I didn’t at least consider the needs of my sons first?  The reality is my sons are not like other ‘normal’ children and I won’t sacrifice them for some possible selfishness on my part.  In my estimation dragging a series of men in and out of my life wouldn’t be fair or helpful to children who thrive on routine.  I cannot realistically see any man being willing to only have a part-time relationship with me until I feel they are worth the sleepless nights and emotional outbursts that their presence could bring me, because no one will meet my kids for at least a year.  That is nonnegotiable.

With that being said, this may have been a date, but I know that there are those parents and educators out there that share his limited misconceptions about introducing children with special needs into mainstream classrooms.  He used the word ‘blanketed' many times throughout his chastisements and aggressive verbiage without acknowledging his own ‘blanketed’ views about things he didn’t understand or even know about.  Then again he didn’t really want to understand either.  After it was all said and done, I still walk away from this taking it as an educational moment for myself and hopefully for other people willing to actually read about this incident.  Because, the reality is if this has happened to me it has happened to others who might not feel confident to share about it.  The average Autism parent often feels isolative and avoids outside interactions due to the stigma and negative comments that each have faced from various people during their journeys with their special kids.  Whether anyone wants to acknowledge it, this is bigotry and we face it all of the time in different ways and from various people sometimes even from people we trust the most.   

I am by no means a perfect person, but I like to avoid snap judgments about people (my sons’ are judged often and I have learned that it isn’t fair).  Perhaps I should have walked out on him as soon as he started his rant, perhaps I should have cut him off sooner, perhaps I could have done all sorts of things to avoid this incident…but in the end I don’t regret it and I walk away from this with a knowledge that not only shouldn’t we judge people for the worst, but we certainly shouldn’t judge someone for the better based on what we ASSume about their appearances and background.  I will definitely be much more aware from now on. Better yet maybe someone who needs to read this to understand they aren’t alone in this kind of treatment OR maybe someone who doesn’t know anything about autism and autism parenting will gain a little compassion and understanding for those that live day in and day out loving these special and  amazing kids on the autism spectrum.  Life should be about becoming a better human being; it shouldn't be about prestige or money...ever.